Charion Valariant

Now, me no big city doctor... This article needs a bit more detail. If you're familiar with the topic, please consider expanding it.

“	Being a dad is a lot like holding a drink. Sometimes, you’ll spill a bit, and it’ll go everywhere. But that’s okay, because there’s always more drinks.	”
	— Charion Valariant, “Absolutely Doneso” (DF2 1.02)

Charion Valariant is a human ranger from the country of Ironguard in the Autumn Lands, and one of the Heroes of Yearth. He was Squire to the elf Champion of Autumn, Saffron Ironbark, at the Solstice Games in Frostopolis.

Charion is “movie star short and movie star handsome”, and very rich.

Before the Solstice Games

Charion’s parents are Valeria and General Grip “Ironjaw” Valariant, the Duke and Duchess of Castle Ironside, and the human rulers of Ironguard. He used his family’s reputation to get out of trouble many times. At the age of 28, under threat of being cut off from his great wealth, Charion’s father forced him to meet Saffron Ironbark, the greatest ranger of Ironguard, and undertake the trial to be her apprentice and represent their nation at the Solstice Games.

In the Ironwood, Charion met the elf Hawthorn, the other participant in the final trial. He tried to concede to Hawthorn, but Saffron refused; Charion’s participation was necessary to maintain good political relations with the humans. Left alone overnight, Charion picked a fight with Hawthorn, escalating it to real danger, but running away as soon as he was even slightly injured.

The next day, Saffron set the pair the task of tracking a nearby nest of kobolds, with whoever brought back the totem of their god becoming Squire. Charion offered to help Hawthorn succeed so he didn't have to fight at the Solstice. Hawthorn tracked the sound of "kobold bebop" to the cave of Crack Butt Pass, where at Charion's suggestion they pretended to be jazz scholars, naming each other Blue Note Joe and Lipton Obersure. The gambit failed, and they were captured by the kobolds. Their shaman explained it's a misconception that they like jazz; their god does, but kobolds are forbidden from listening to it. One kobold, Stanley, admitted to having played the jazz heard earlier, and Charion convinced some of them to start jamming, leading to a fight amongst the kobolds. Charion took advantage of the ruckus to free Hawthorn and grab his dagger, having lost his swords, but was injured badly by the shaman's poison. Hawthorn grabbed the idol and the two ran from the cave, but Hawthorn was also badly injured by the kobolds in the escape.

They pushed the idol back and forth between them, but it ended up with Charion. Hawthorn's confidence had been shaken by his failure in close combat with the kobolds, and he spoke in support of Charion as Squire, noting that he'd saved him twice. Charion gave Hawthorn some of the magic berries he had learned to manifest, and Hawthorn considered him a friend.

At dinner, Charion's mother is proud of her son, but Charion hates the wood and the kobolds and the big city, but she convinced him to try it, saying the "big city is lasagna". When his father returned, he admitted he was surprised at Charion's success, but rewarded him with a jazz vinyl.

Season 1

Charion attends the Solstice Games in Frostopolis as Saffron's Squire. When Celestia emerges, he spends most of the fight with the possessed guards trying to help Dinner Munchabout stand up on the ice of the arena. He joins the other Squires to confront Celestia after her rampage, and retreats to Dinner Munchabout’s apartment afterward. When Lexicon the Magnificent arrives, he at first mistakes Charion for Dinner’s butler. Charion helps fights off the Celestia-worshipping “emo cultists” who come looking for Lexicon, and then travels with the others to the cabin of Lexicon's “scriptwriting teacher”, the mage Nilmeyer.

Nilmeyer manages to give them a prophetic poem with clues to where Celestia has hidden the four great weapons needed to defeat her, and Charion escapes with the other Heroes through a portal to a swamp in the Summer lands. There they meet Wonwe, the son of the bullywug shaman. While staying in Wonwe’s home, his father gives Charion a drinking bird that belonged to Wonwe in return for a song. Charion helps the others find Wonwe when he goes missing, and also guide him to the top of the volcano, Mount Glubshaka, where he will complete the ritual to become a man. Inside, the Heroes find the Blades of Grass guarded by a beautiful horse elemental made of flaming magma. Charion overcomes his fear of “sloppy hot red rocks” long enough to shove the drinking bird into the horse’s mouth to quench its flames; this turns out to be the one thing that could defeat it.

When they are blasted off the volcano into the sea, and subsequently captured by a pirate slaver, Charion gets seasick when he can’t see the horizon. He knows the “Shanghai Noon trick”, and uses it to free Polly Waddle from their cell. Once they’re free, he convinces the Heroes to ally with Peter von Teese and overthrow the ship’s captain, though things don’t quite work out that way. When they arrive in Sunbelt’s home city of Hotnschwet, Charion agrees to help him cheat in the Fatherning, a battle to the death to be his son’s true father. When they’re swallowed by a giant worm and Sunbelt kills Gary, the last of his wife's other husbands, Charion asks if Sunbelt would mind if he takes Gary’s horns. He later uses one to shimmy across the lake of the worm’s stomach acid. When they confront a group of “worm zombies”, Charion declines Dinner’s offer of “Combantrin roulette” and instead tries to take the chocolate medicine from his gun; however he initially eats a bullet by mistake, which joins a bunch of “other things” already stuffed in his butt. (He has the power to fire a single bullet from his arse, but doesn’t use it immediately.)

After they escape from the worm with the Axe of Sands, they dig their way to the surface and discover themselves in Blind Tony’s Swords & Lasanga Shop, right next to his home in Ironside. Blind Tony reveals that Charion’s parents - and everyone else - thought he was dead following the debacle at the Solstice Games. The Heroes attend a gathering in the castle grounds where his father expresses his grief, and then his relief when Charion reveals he is still alive. His father immediately appoints him General of his conscripted army, who are about to go to war in answer to the distress beacons lit by their elvish allies. This is unpopular with the people because it turns out Charion was previously put in charge of an army by his father, resulting in the deaths of five hundred men, though Charion doesn’t believe this was his fault. At dinner with his parents, he threatens to renounce his claim to the dukeship so he can become a bard, something they always denied him. Polly gets emotional and speaks on Charion’s behalf, and convinces the duke to hear him sing. The duke and duchess are won over by Charion’s song, and agree he can multiclass as a bard - but still want him to lead the army.

References

<references />