Description
The Dragon Friends are rapidly approaching the end of the line. They've found their way onto the only ride out of Hell and need to stay alive for a measly few minutes to get back to the plane they call home.
Synopsis
At the party in Dis, Logan continues chatting up the Engine Mistress, hoping to seduce her into letting the Friends onto the Iron Train back to Faerûn. She is unwilling to bend the rules, but reminds Logan that only those with an iron sigil can board the train. Logan claims he has one, but she calls his bluff and shows Logan the sigil around the wrist of one of her enginists. A group of enginists escort the Iron Lady out of the party and back to the train.
Bobby, having heard this, sneaks up on one of the enginists while he’s tying his shoelaces and violently cuts his arm off. He also uses the light of his Moon-touched Sword to transform into his werewolf form. The violent assault and Bobby’s cries of “I’ve got a Golden Ticket” attract the notice of the party, and Bobby narrowly avoids being captured by a nearby chain demon. Philge tries to cause a distraction by wiggling her “alive” butt at the demons before running towards the train.
Logan casts giant insects on some already quite large hell wasps, which start to attack and feast on the small and middle demons, allowing the other Friends to get to the train. Freezo is already there, trying to sweet-talk three enginists by offering to answer any questions they have about Evangelion, assuming that as “men in STEM” they will be into anime. He’s more right than he bargained for: the enginists out him as a “fake nerd” and leave.
Bobby inserts the severed arm into an anti-space next to a door in the train’s last carriage, number 8. The door opens, and the Friends all get on board just before it departs. Inside is a small bar, but no people. Bobby notices someone approaching the door from carriage number 7, and the Friends have nowhere to hide. Freezo, posing as a bartender, double talks the slightly bigger enginist who enters into ordering drinks and then thinking he’s in trouble. Freezo leaves the carriage and Philge knocks the enginist out, Bobby taking his keys and a badge he was wearing.
Freezo crosses the “train gooch” between carriages and thinks he can separate the rest of the train from the first class carriage and the engine. At the last minute he realises that his friends in carriage 8 would roll back into hell, and he doesn’t pull the pin. The other Friends join him in carriage 7, which seems impossibly larger on the inside and contains a fireplace. As they consider whether they can lie low for the six minute journey, the Engine Mistress, now one with the train, speaks to them from the fireplace. She asks how they managed to get on board, and sees through their lies before explaining that it doesn’t matter: mortals cannot survive travel through the barrier between hell and Faerûn. Freezo considers uncoupling the car they’re on, but they’d just fall back into Dis at high speed and also probably die. Bobby proposes they “suck a fuck a ding dong” themselves, dying long enough to pass through the barrier, but they have no way to be revived on the other side. Logan realises that the Engine Mistress is wearing a cameo brooch containing a petal, and that perhaps they need to take her down to find a safe way home.
The Friends head towards the front of the train, going quickly thanks to Logan’s longstrider spell. They bluff their way past some guards and pass through two storage carriages filled with chests, then another carriage with a spell book locked under a complicated array of chains to a plinth. They ignore them all and keep going, meeting another enginist who manages to throw Philge to the ground. The others continue on to the locked engine, which Bobby opens with the enginist’s keys.
Inside the Engine Mistress stands with her back to the door. She turns on a platform, seemingly lifeless until the engine directs some of its heat and power into her body. The cameo glows brightly, and Bobby springs forward and grabs it, landing on a shelf above the furnace. The Mistress casts a spell of fiendish charm on Logan, who succumbs and closes the engine room door, preventing Philge from entering. It’s now two versus two, with only minutes before they hit the barrier that will kill them all...
Cast
Dragon Friends
- Dave Harmon as the Dungeon Master
- Ben Jenkins as various NPCs (including Ben Jenkins)
- Alex Lee as Philge
- Simon Greiner as Bobby Pancakes
- Michael Hing as Freezo
Guest NPCs
- Tom Cardy as Logan the Huge, a container-sized tortle who easily imprints on other people
- Montaigne as the Engine Mistress, the clockwork demon who commands the Iron Engine (a train) which ferries souls between hell and Faerûn
NPCs
- Various Enginists, minor demons in service of the Mistress aboard the Iron Engine
Hams
- Hamnote (presumably; not mentioned)
Bestiary
Places
- Dis, second layer of the Nine Hells
- The Iron City
- The Iron Engine train
Themes, tropes and running jokes
- Baffling Reference for our International Listeners - Ben mentions Joe Dolce when haranguing Dave about his use of the word piazza. Dolce, an Italian-American migrant to Australia, had a massive hit in 1980 with the novelty song “Shaddap You Face”. It was an international hit, but was mostly known via the Dr. Demento show in the US.
- Dice of Inspiration - Hing gets a “snitch dice” for pointing out Bobby doesn’t get the halfling Lucky trait when he’s transformed into a werewolf. He uses it to re-roll Freezo’s attempt to de-couple the train cars of the Iron Engine.
- The Limousine in Cyber Tokyo 2075 - it’s not explicitly given as the reason why, but in this episode Freezo knows what “STEM” means; that men who work in the field like anime; and he’s heard of the anime Neon Genesis Evangelion. He’s much less hot on its plot, premise and specific lore.
Trivia
To be added
Table Talk
- In the teaser Hing promises to “speed-run” this episode in order to get back on track towards finishing the story by the end of the season.
- During Tom’s attempt to have Logan seduce the Engine Mistress, Hing expresses doubt at his ability to pull it off because, while they are not limited in the game by their physical bodies, they are limited by their real minds. Tom counters that “just because you kill everyone you come across, it doesn’t mean other people can’t play other characters”.
- After Simon rolls very high to grab the Engine Mistress’s brooch and avoiding crashing into the furnace, Ben challenges him to “roll to see if your dick falls off”. Simon replies: “It grows eight inches longer.”
Quotes
To be added